I haven't left anything here for a while. The main reason for this is that I have been doing a lot of thinking about myself and how things work in this world around me. I have come to the conclusion that maybe I was the problem all along, and not this cruel world around me. I still think I haven't had much luck in my life, but I'm more open to the thought that things might change. In fact, things are already changing. I have tried to be more open and to stop negative thoughts as soon as they started. I think it's working, the voices in my head have been miraculously silent in the past weeks. I can only hear whispers now, whereas they used to scream at me, and tell me to do things I didn't really want to. But I am not sure what was the real cause for this change in me, I'm not sure whether the voices were getting quieter, or if I changed my attitude first. Whatever it was, I've been feeling much better, even about myself, regardless of my living conditions with my parents, which haven't changed a bit.

I am changing, finally, at fourteen years old. At least, mentally, because physically I'm still the tiny shrimp I've always been, but I'm more at peace with it now. Somehow the world around me seems to be changing as well. I'm getting more smiles in school, people start talking to me even, which has really never happened before like this. I haven't done anything weird either in class for a while, no weird gestures or singing or other things I do sometimes not knowing I'm doing it. Maybe that is also part of the change. I'm taking my meds religiously, knowing that what I'm taking now is having some effect on me. I'm so much calmer now and maybe it's not just because of my meds, but I'm not taking any chances. I think I was mature early on, but today I feel even more confident, and good about myself. I can honestly say that I feel that life may have something to offer to me after all. I don't think about killing myself anymore, not for a while already. But, since a few days, I don't think I ever will again.

I met Noah last Christmas while on vacation in the Caribbean, where we have a home. I was almost certain immediately he was gay, and even more after we spend some time together and ended up wrestling out on the beach. He groped me incessantly until I decided to grope back, and he let me. This ended with him on top of me, grinding on my crotch until we got interrupted by our siblings. I could not forget what happened out on the beach that day, and I really wanted to meet with him again to find out if there could be more. He actually lives about an hours drive away from me, but my mom never wanted to go there, so I had to wait until the next vacation, which was this week. I'm sitting here in my room in our vacation home typing this, and my mind keeps wandering off to Noah. He called me a few weeks back and asked me to sleep over at their place during our stay here, because he would be on vacation here as well. In the days before or set sleepover he started sending me messages, which gradually showed more signs of affection. 'Hey there', turned into 'Hi handsome', and his messages were full of subtle hints that maybe someone who wouldn't be looking for it wouldn't see. But I did. I wasn't as bold as he was though, and kept a lower profile without concealing any of my enthusiasm about our sleepover.

The day before I was so nervous, I was hardly able to do anything. All I could think about was what might happen the next day and how I would be able to handle myself in that situation. That night I hardly slept, even if I really wanted to sleep so I wouldn't get tired too easily on my sleepover. I can tell you, I rarely ever had so little problem with lack of sleep as Wednesday night. Finally the moment came where my mom called to say we were leaving. On the short drive to Noah's place my mind kept racing, then shutting down, and then racing again, until we arrived. Seeing him again suddenly made me relax, and although somewhere in the back of my me I was still nervous, I felt comfortable. We spent the afternoon rather ordinarily, without any direct hints of affection from him. We went in the ocean and spent a little time on the beach and in the pool. Late in the afternoon we went back to the beach, and we found ourselves alone. All of a sudden he grabbed me and wrestled me to the ground. I was expecting him to grope again, wanting it even, but instead he just held me down. I looked at him and he smiled. His eyes were beautiful, lit by the late afternoon light, and it may sound strange, but at that moment I could read his mind. I wanted to kiss him but something held me back, and it was more than his grip on me, which had gotten more relaxed. I could tell that he wanted to kiss me too, and waited for him to do it, to take that first step, as I was seemingly incapable of doing so. Instead, he just looked at me, and kept smiling until he let go and got up. I laid there in confusion for a moment. I wasn't sure about anything anymore. Did he really like me? Did he really wanted to kiss me? Did he really wanted to have sex with me? I felt my nerves returning, but Noah called me to get in the water one more time before dinner, and his playful attitude made me relax once again.

At night we finally were alone in his room. His dad had set up a guest bed next to his, and I had tried to push it closer to his, without being too obvious, but there was still a space of about a foot in between. We watched a movie on TV, and halfway through Noah said we should get comfortable in bed. I watched him take off his clothes. He got back on his bed wearing only his boxers, so I did the same, but he asked if I wanted to come on his bed while we watched the movie. After the afternoon's episode where my expected kiss didn't come, I was a little more cautious about approaching him, and said ok rather hesitantly. I got on his bed and tried to balance on the edge, not wanting to touch him in any way and as far away from him as I could. We watched the movie more silently then we had before, and after a while I noticed that he was slowly getting closer until his leg finally touched mine. I didn't dare look at him. My heart was beating heavily inside my chest, and I think he must have been able to feel it's pounding on the mattress. His leg moved across mine and when I finally turned my head I almost touched his, because he was a lot closer then I thought he was. I startled and fell off the bed which made him laugh. I got back on the bed, and he made a little room for me. This time I dared to be a little closer to him, and I watched him watch me. The movie played on somewhere far away, because all I could see was his face, and all I could hear was the beating of my heart and Noah's breathing.

I don't know how long we laid there looking at each other, or who finally gave the signal. I think it was more an understanding between us that told us it was the right moment to kiss. Almost mechanically our faces got closer until our lips met. I felt his tongue wedging its way inside my mouth and I let him have mine. Time and space no longer had any meaning, and when he pushed himself against my body and folded his arms around me, my world only existed of one single person, the one I was now daring to hold in my own arms and I let my hands slide down his back. He pressed himself hard against me, and I could feel him down below. But I didn't even think about his wang at that moment, my bliss was happening, this moment of intense making out was something I had been dreaming about for almost three years.

My earliest memory of liking boys was when I was ten years old. Maybe even earlier than that, but nothing that I can be sure of. I recall exploring the internet with my first laptop that I got for my tenth birthday, and finding images of naked men, which I found interesting enough to save them on my hard disk. As months went by, I collected hundreds of images of men and boys, mostly shirtless, but even just faces I liked. I also found porn and was fascinated by it. I learned to jerk off, which slowly became one of my obsessions, and one day I realized that I got a lot more excited by looking at my pictures of men and boys than I did looking at girls or women. It was the summer of 2005, I was eleven years old and knew I wasn't straight. I wanted to have sex with another boy, and had to wait almost three more years for it to happen.

I have no idea how long we kissed before Noah started to pull at his boxers, and left my mouth for a moment to take them off. He slid mine down in a nanosecond, and got back on top of me. We continued our kiss, but now completely naked. Somewhere in the background I could still hear the TV, which was still on, and it was probably better as it covered up all noise we made. My body was filled with new sensations and my mind seemed to be set to automatic. Then suddenly he let go of our liplock, and his mouth went down my body, where he finally found my lust. I accepted his gift and slowly drifted off to faraway places. He made his way back up and kissed me again, and I knew he was waiting for me. Hesitantly, but at the same time eagerly I went down, and when my head disappeared where I had been wanting to go for the last three years, I knew this is what I wanted, and that I will never desire a girl in the same way. There were new feelings, new smells, and new tastes, and I enjoyed everything more than I could have imagined. I couldn't let go of him, and explored every nano inch between his legs.

Without going further into details, I can tell you that I've never felt so fucking good in my life, and when it was over, and we were lying next to each other catching our breath, all I could think about was spending the rest of my life with him. We didn't even go to sleep, but started kissing again, and only once I glanced at the clock next to his bed, 3:19, it read, and that was long before we went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and for a second I panicked, not knowing where I was. Then I felt Noah next to me, and when I looked at him I saw that he was already awake. He told me he had been watching me sleep, and then kissed me softly on my lips.
This night of april 2 2008 will always be engraved in my memory as the most incredible night ever. It will be very difficult to match those same feelings and sensations I experienced that night. That first time with a boy, and not just some plain sex, but true love-making was something that will remain close to me forever. Noah spent the night at our house last night and, although it was all just as incredible, the excitement of discovery wasn't there anymore.

This morning he had something to tell me which was difficult for me to swallow, but I have decided not to let it bring me down. He told me he has someone where he lives, and that he wasn't looking for a relationship. I could tell he was sincere when he told me that he loved me, and that he had a crush on me the moment we met last Christmas, but that he couldn't be my boyfriend. I almost cried, but was able to hold it back. I still like him a lot, and I still think our time together has been magic. I have to admit that there was another reason why I wasn't completely devastated. There is another boy who likes me.

I spent the weekend with my sister at her place two weeks back. She had invited a friend over at night, someone who lives in her building. She is an older woman who has a thirteen year old son, Chris, and my sister told me she was convinced that he was at least bi. She couldn't tell me what made her believe that, but rather that she had a 'gut feeling'. I met him and he seemed cool. I'm usually really shy around people I don't know, but with him I was pretty much alright. We got along really good from the beginning and we talked about a lot of things. They only stayed an hour, which passed way too quick. I liked him a lot, and I was very attracted to him, which I told my sister as soon as they left. She said that she would have a talk with him.

Last week she called and told me that Chris had confessed not only that he was bi, but also that he likes me! I didn't ask her what she did to make him tell her that, but I can tell from experience that she's not only persuasive, but also uses sneaky tactics to get information she wants. I was elated, but at the same time facing a dilemma, because I knew I was meeting up with Noah, and all of a sudden there was another boy who was interested in me. I just couldn't believe that after having been looking for a boy for so long, now I was presented with two at the same time! So this is why, when Noah told me he didn't want to go out with me, I wasn't all that sad, even though I really like him a lot too, and he lives closer by then Chris, but my sister has already let me know that she will drive me often enough, if ever Chris and I get serious. In fact, I'm staying over at my sister's apartment again next weekend, and she said she would definitely make sure I would meet up with him again, and give us a little more time together. I will also meet Noah again. We sortof have a date next month, unless things pick up with Chris they way I'm hoping it will. I told Noah about Chris and he said he was glad I had someone too, but that if he had lived a little closer to me, I would have been his boy. We spend almost the whole day together alone. My parents were gone with my little sister and we had a good time until his mom showed up to pick him up. I had mixed feelings as I waved him off. I was sad to see him leave, and wished to God that he lived next door. I felt something pulling at my guts as they drove off, and my eyes got a little wet. There went the boy that I spent such an incredible time with, and I don't know what will happen next. But I was also very happy, not only because I finally got what I wanted for so long, but also that we can remain close friends, and I am certain we will meet again.

Some people here have been reading my stuff for a while, and have seen a different side of me. I was reading back a few things myself, and certain things seem so far away from me today, that I felt compelled to delete a few entries. I'm a different kid today, a stronger one who will no longer get down over little things. I can handle a set back, and look for the better things in life. I'm no longer a total virgin and no longer alone. I am happy.